Episode Description
As lawyers and entrepreneurs, we’re wired to seize every opportunity – but what if saying ‘no’ could be your most powerful business strategy? In this episode, I dive deep into why saying ‘no’ feels so impossible, especially for legal professionals, and how to transform this challenge into a strength. You’ll discover why that gut-level ‘yes’ reflex might be holding you back, learn practical strategies for buying yourself time to make better decisions, and master the art of declining opportunities while maintaining relationships.
Whether you’re struggling with client overload, burning out from constant availability, or simply trying to align your practice with your values, this episode provides the framework and language you need to protect your time, energy, and, ultimately, your practice. Stop letting guilt drive your decisions – it’s time to start saying “no”.
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Episode Transcript
LAUREN: [00:00:00] I would feel compelled to say yes because I want it to be seen as successful with my different kind of practice. And if I didn’t take all the clients and have all the big revenue numbers, I was afraid people would call me a failure. Welcome to a different practice. I’m your host Lauren Lester, and I’m passionate about helping solo attorneys build thriving practices.
After starting my own solo firm straight out of law school. School and building it to a successful practice that earns well over six figures while working part time. I’m here to share the tools and strategies that made it possible. Think of this as grabbing coffee with your work bestie while learning everything they didn’t teach you about running a business in law school, pull up a seat and get ready to build a different practice.
Welcome everyone to a different practice. Tell me if you agree. One of the hardest things for us as lawyers and entrepreneurs is to turn down opportunities. I’ve been there for years. I struggled with this myself. Every time the phone [00:01:00] rang, every time a potential client walked through the door, I felt this overwhelming pressure to say, yes, maybe you can relate to this.
I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially in the first few years of my practice, I was terrified of losing business. The voice in the back of my head kept saying, well, the phone ever ring again. And let’s be honest, I felt like I had to be the one to help everyone who came my way. Plus, some revenue was better than no revenue, right?
But here’s where that got me. And I bet some of you are in this same boat right now. Burned out, feeling resentful, losing out on more ideal clients because I’m now fully booked with less ideal clients, and worst of all, not having time for what was truly important in my life. Here’s the truth that we all need to face.
Time is finite. No matter how much money you make, or how many people you please, you can’t get those hours back. That’s why today’s episode is so important. Today we’re talking about something that might make you a little uncomfortable. Saying no. But we’re going [00:02:00] to approach it differently than maybe you expect.
Instead of jumping straight into scripts and strategies, and don’t worry, we’ll get there, I promise. We’re going to start by understanding why we feel so compelled to say yes in the first place. Because unless we address the root cause, no amount of clever phrasing is ever going to help us change this habit.
So let’s start by looking at how most of us currently respond to requests. If you’re like me, you probably would say yes before your brain even had time to process what was being asked. It was like a reflex. We’ve become so conditioned to say yes that it’s automatic. The first step in changing this pattern is awareness.
Start noticing your immediate reaction when someone asks you for something. Just observe it without judgment. You may be able to do this in real time, especially if the request comes through, say, email. Pause and notice what your immediate response is. Are you excited? Does it feel like an obligation? Is there a level of dread even?
Bringing up this [00:03:00] awareness is more difficult when someone is standing in front of you making a request, especially when they are looking for an immediate answer themselves. So do the best you can. But at the very least, after the interaction is over, reflect on how you felt, even if how you responded didn’t reflect that feeling.
We can’t change what we aren’t aware of, so the first step is simply noticing. This step may take you a few months to get comfortable with, where you’re doing it regularly, and that’s totally okay. Change doesn’t happen overnight, especially if you’ve lived most of your life as a people pleaser, or as someone who has otherwise learned that saying yes is necessary to keep the peace.
My hand is raised too. The more you practice noticing, the more you will remove the habitual automatic reaction. And that’s where we can start making some real changes. As you learn to be aware of your immediate reaction, there will be a natural pause that’s built in. Lean into that pause. It is the necessary step to decide what you want to do, rather than just unconsciously [00:04:00] reacting.
The pause will allow you to reflect on the request, and whether it’s something you actually want to do. The more you practice the pause, the easier it will become. And this isn’t something you’ll only do at work, but that can be an easier place to start because there’s less personal connection and history as you would maybe have with family and friends.
To practice the pause when someone makes a request, whether it’s a potential client, a colleague, or even a family member or friend asking for something, take a breath before responding. This pause is where your power lives. When you blow past it, you are effectively giving up your power. So use the pause to take it back.
I know what you’re thinking. Taking a pause is easy when it’s in an email, but what do I do when someone is standing right in front of me? Don’t worry, I’m going to give you some specific phrases you can use to buy yourself that time. But first, let’s talk about what to do in the pause. This is where the real work happens.
I want you to ask yourself some questions to help see what’s really happening when you [00:05:00] feel compelled to say yes, or like you just can’t say no. Ask yourself, why do I feel compelled to say yes? Is it because I’m afraid of what the other person might think if I say no? Is it because I’m afraid I won’t be asked again if I say no this time?
Is it because I’m afraid another potential client won’t come along? Am I afraid of what it might do to my reputation? Will I be labeled as not a team player? You can probably hear the theme in these examples. They are all related back to some sort of fear. And that’s incredibly powerful to name. For me, I would feel compelled to say yes because I wanted to be seen as successful with my different kind of practice.
And if I didn’t take all the clients and have all the big revenue numbers, I was afraid people would call me a failure. If, why do I feel compelled to say yes doesn’t resonate with you, you can also try, what am I trying to prove here? Or what am I trying to avoid? [00:06:00] These questions approach it from a different angle, but they can lead you to the same end point.
What is the motivation pushing you to say yes, or keeping you from really wanting to say no. Another question you can ask yourself in the pause is does this request align with my values and the direction I want my practice, life, relationship, whatever it is, to take? A rather straightforward example might be a potential client who comes to you asking for help with a case that isn’t exactly what you really want to be doing.
You could do it, but not really what you want to be doing. Another example might be getting an offer to write a piece for your local bar association publication that will require tons of research and writing on nights and weekends, taking you away from your family or personal time. With most requests, it can be easy to spot the opportunity.
That’s usually the first thing we notice. The new client will bring in revenue. The article will give me notoriety among my peers. But does that opportunity actually align with your values, or is it just an opportunity? If [00:07:00] your value is to help clients who are victims of abuse fight their abusers, taking on a new landlord client who wants a one sided lease agreement drafted for their new building in an underserved area of town might mean a nice payday, but it doesn’t align with your values.
Having a publication to add to your resume does impress colleagues and that’s wonderful, but if it means you miss your daughter’s recital, is it aligned with your values? Here’s another question. Are you coming from a scarcity mindset? Or a worry that you will never have enough. I struggled with this at the beginning of my practice.
I would think, what if no more money comes my way? What if another attorney gets the case and then there won’t be any more work for me? It sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, to be honest. But it’s very real, especially when you’re first starting out and you don’t have that history of knowing that the phone will ring again.
Coming from a scarcity mindset is that impulse that you have to say yes because if you don’t, there won’t be anything left for you. The good news is that you can [00:08:00] train yourself to shift from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. But before you can, you have to understand where you’re coming from.
And here’s one of my favorite questions to ask in that pause. What else will I have to say yes to to fulfill this request? Because let’s be honest, saying yes to the pro bono case might also mean saying yes to extra work, late nights, more research, missed family dinners, and added stress. It’s helpful to use the pause to think through what else you might have to do to fulfill the request.
Sometimes on its face, the request may seem simple and quick. However, you don’t want to jump into deeper waters than you were expecting. And if all else fails, remember this mantra, if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.
So why take the time to ask these questions in that pause? It may feel uncomfortable or even useless, maybe. You’re wondering, Lauren, why are you [00:09:00] walking us through all of these questions? Well, there’s something really important that happens when we take time to really reflect and investigate why we feel compelled to say yes all the time.
When you begin to realize what’s driving you to say yes, you can make a conscious decision rather than just have an unconscious response. If you ask yourself, what am I trying to prove here, and you discover that what you’re really after is being seen as someone who’s helpful and a team player, you can dig in further and ask, well, what does it mean to me to be helpful?
Does being helpful mean saying yes to every request, even at the expense of my own personal time? Does it mean forsaking all the other priorities in my life? Probably not. Maybe you figure out that being helpful to you means assisting others with projects that are meaningful to you when you have the bandwidth to really pour into them.
Now we’ve got a definition to measure this request against. Instead of asking a generic question like, will I be seen as helpful if I say no to this request, you can ask [00:10:00] yourself, will this request allow me to assist others with a project that is meaningful to me, and do I have the bandwidth to fully pour into it right now?
If yes, wonderful. If not, your no isn’t a reflection of how helpful you are, but it’s a reflection that this particular request doesn’t work for you right now, and that’s okay. When you uncover the motivation or the reasons why you feel like you can’t say no, and then define your own definitions and values, it not only helps you see what’s really going on, but it allows you to take back control and clearly see that you don’t really want to say yes.
And if you don’t really want to say yes, You need to say no, and that no will feel better and become easier when you remember the why behind it. Alright, now that we have a better understanding why we feel compelled to say yes all the time, and therefore struggle to say no, let’s get practical. How do you actually say no without burning bridges or feeling guilty?
First, for those in person [00:11:00] situations, I’m going to give you some lifeline phrases you can use to give yourself the pause while maintaining professionalism. You might say something like, That sounds like a great opportunity, but I need to check with my partner first. Or, Thank you for thinking of me, let me check my schedule and get back to you.
Or even, I love that idea, I just need to see if I’m available to give it the time it deserves. Always thank the person for the opportunity. This is especially important with referral sources or potential clients you might want to work with in the future. A simple thank you for thinking of me goes a long way.
This grateful approach is also helpful if you’re worried about not getting another opportunity in the future. Instead of saying yes to this request, you can include please consider me for future opportunities as I’d love to participate along with your no. Typically, people will understand and not exclude you from future opportunities.
However, it’s important to remember that even though saying no is entirely your right, if the other person has an issue with it, maybe they [00:12:00] hold a grudge or don’t offer you something in the future, that’s a reflection of them and not a sign that you did anything wrong or shouldn’t continue to say no when it doesn’t work for you.
Those who have difficulty being told no likely struggle with saying no themselves, or they’re just entitled jerks and who wants to work with them anyways. Since you know how difficult it can be to say no, offer them compassion, but stick to your decision. And while no is technically a complete sentence, In a professional and even personal context, it often helps to provide a brief explanation.
For example, thanks for thinking of me, but this type of work doesn’t align with my practice’s current focus. Right now, I’m concentrating on, and give them your practice areas. Or say something like, I really appreciate the opportunity. While it sounds amazing right now, my family and I are focused on spending time together while our kids are young.
So I wouldn’t have the time to dedicate to it. Or maybe even this sounds like a fantastic opportunity. And while I appreciate your reaching out to our firm, this type of work [00:13:00] isn’t quite aligned with our focus. I want to make sure you get the best service available. So I’d recommend working with. and provide some referrals.
Explaining why the particular request doesn’t work for you can help the requester understand where you’re coming from and may also help filter out future requests to only those that align with your values. I know saying no is particularly challenging in the legal profession. We’re trained to spot opportunities to help others 7.
But here’s what I’ve learned. Saying no isn’t just about declining opportunities. It’s about making space for what matters most to you. It’s a habit you have to nurture, a muscle that grows stronger with use. So start small. The more you say no in little ways, the easier it will become to say it with the big request too.
And I promise you this learning to say no is one of the most liberating things you can do for yourself and your practice. When your energy isn’t being drained by obligations, you reluctantly accepted, you’ll be amazed at what you can [00:14:00] accomplish with the things you actually want to do. Before we wrap up, I want to hear from you.
How do you handle saying no in your practice? Share your experience in the comments or reach out to me on LinkedIn. Your stories help our entire community grow stronger. Thanks for listening to A Different Practice. Remember, protecting your time means protecting your practice. Until next time, keep building a different practice.
Thanks for joining me on another episode of A Different Practice. If you found value in today’s conversation, subscribe to my Solo Success Lab newsletter, where each week I test and share what actually works in solo practice. Sign up for free at adifferentpractice. com slash subscribe. Want to help other lawyers transform their practices too?
Follow the show. Leave a rating and share this episode with someone who might benefit. And if you’re ready to take your practice to the next level, download my free guide to the six pillars of optimization at adifferentpractice. com slash optimize. I’ve distilled nearly a decade of experience, including all the [00:15:00] mistakes and victories into the essential elements every successful law firm needs.
I’ll see you next time. And until then, keep building a different practice.
